aloneunaided

I really, really wish that the more people than my psychologist recognised my hatred of my stepfather as a valid emotion. My mother puts it down to my mental illness - after all how could I NOT like someone who does his best to covertly antagonise me - and everyone else around me just loves him. I haven't liked him for day dot and while I WAS suffering from fairly severe undiagnosed depression at the time that does not make my feelings any less valid.

I am not, god damn it, jealous of his relationship with my mother. I WANT her to be happy but that desire does NOT mean that I have to like the man she's happy with. It would be good all around if it did but it doesn't. I really, honestly, wish that people would just accept that I'm not making what he does UP. I got kicked out of home because he blamed his bad behaviour on ME and because my mother knew we were having trouble she blamed me too!

I hate him! I thoroughly detest him and if it wouldn't hurt my mother more then it was worth I would genuinely love to see him dead.

Even thinking of him makes me angry. No little because he acts as if I can't do anything right.

Argh!

Every day I live in fear that one of two people might kill me over jealousy. I suppose I just want to say something, in case I disappear unexpectedly. Don't want to rot in the ground somewhere. I'd want to be found.

Yesterday was all about late Thanksgiving with some old old old friends. We do Lost Soul's Thanksgiving every year and have for over a decade. There was lots and lots and lots of food. Thus... Today was all about Synesthesia. Yellow was the bane of my existence today. It was prickly and awful, which is a pain in the ass as it's usually one of my favorite colors so I have a lot of it around. Oh, and the bathroom is yellow. Yay for a physical discomfort brought on by color? The color thing is odd and not common. I have some others that happen all the time. Like car alarms. They're always a smell to me. Like rotted garbage really. I've never heard a car alarm. So wrong, and so completely confusing. Mostly because until recently I wasn't even aware of even having synesthetic triggers or behaviors. If you've always experienced something that way it doesn't seem odd until someone else notices and points it out to you. Like the car alarm. That smell is a car alarm, so aside from the wrinkling of my nose, I react like everyone else because hey! It's a car alarm. They're annoying. Most people hear them and grumble. I smell them and grumble. When I was young and asked, "Wow, what is that?" when the car alarm went off, someone said, "Car alarm." I accepted that. Now, that smell equals car alarm in my head. My mom and my doctor noticed it long before I did. And it wasn't until recently that anyone pointed it out. Weird, huh?

My doctor mentions a connection between food and Autism every time I go to see him. He wants me to cut gluten out of my diet entirely. He says it'll help. On one hand I'd love my life to be easier, on the other hand, I like wheat products. Cutting them out adds stress which makes it worse. Keeping it makes yellow prickly. Which way do you go? Suck it up with prickly yellow, I think. I've cut down, and it does help, but every time I try to quit entirely, well let's just say that it was easier to quit smoking after twelve years of that habit, than to quit bread. O.o And I just want to shake my doctor and inform him that of course studies have shown that having a gluten free diet is helpful to Autistic children. They aren't attached to their diet. I'm thirty! I've got a bloody attachment to that dinner roll at thanksgiving! It's tradition. I know it's childish and melodramatic, but it's not a small thing, changing your diet so completely.

Hi. I'm autistic. I am not completely socially inept, though I do have my share of problems, I can't count matches if you drop them, I can and did go through school just fine. My brain doesn't work quite like most people's, but it does work. I have OCD, my food can't touch or I can't eat it. I do have some fugue activities. I need a bit of time to be ok with change. I'm not hugely autistic, I'm a highly functional cognitive autist to be exact. Apparently just autistic enough to make my life a huge pain in the ass. *I* don't mind it, but then I've been living with it all my life. No it's other people who drive me crazy.

Why do people freak out when I tell them? It's not like I can ignore it, it *does* have some side effects that I have to let people know about, not that I introduce myself as so and so the autistic kid. It's just that people ask about the food thing, or the triangles, or the no touching. So I explain, and suddenly it's weirdsville, USA. I kinda hate that. And by kinda I mean alot.

So there we go. I came for asylum. In hopes that I won't be looked at too terribly funny here when I talk about how my mind works.

anybody else have the feeling something bad is going to happen? i want to be optimistic but i dont see it in my future...

there is alot of nothing i want to say right now
maybe i trying to reach out
and this is the only place i know wont judge me on this subject

i really want to die

the only thing thats kinda stoppin me is the fact i have too much shit in my room n dont live on my own,
and the fact that im seeing someone new.

i really find it difficult the fact i want to cry and scream and sleep all day
and no matter how many cigarettes i smoke it wont make me feel any better on this subject


i think the world has too much not worth savin

i am one of these things